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Tom's Raps


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Dislaimer: None of this is meant to be offensive and or personal. It's probably only suitable for adults.



Seeing as KnT no longer has a banter thread, and i'm not going to lower myself to the standards of the masses, I will use this thread as an outlet for my rythmic rhyming raps.





I was walking down the road when I noticed a rat

I stopped to say hello, he said his name was Matt


(ME) "I knew it, I recognised you, you're Matt Bellamy!"

(RAT) "Don't be so offensive, what the fuck are you tellin' me?"

(RAT) "I look nothing like that cunt, i've got a big tail"

(RAT) "That doesn't stop his fans sending me his hate-mail"


I felt really bad, Muse had ruined his life

All he ever wanted was a little ratty wife

A peaceful existence away from rock 'n' roll

This look-alike business had really taken it's toll


Groupies and emos, and real rock fans

They all want a piece of this little rat-man

I took him on home to try and cheer him up

Extra herbs in his roll-ups, extra sugar in his cup


This rat was miserable, depressed, it was really rough

I decided there and then that this guy had had enough

I won't lie, I almost cried, my decision was tough

I squashed him with my foot into a little pile of mush

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It only takes one wanker

To loose your KnT Banter

It only takes one whammy

To get your hands all clammy


It gets you sweating with desire

your love burns like a fire

Rock your whammy up and down

Rock your whammy all over town


Ladies need a man

who can not only dive-bomb

He can harmonise, he can detune,

Use his whammy with aplomb

They want a man who knows the fret board,

Really good with his fingers

You need to know when to shred,

And when to let it linger

warm her up with your hands

Then wack your whammy out

Toss off in her face

But ask the bitch to pout


What's the point of all this?

We want our banter back

I got side-tracked by women

Probably 'cos i'm mid-fap

I've got to go finish off

Wipe myself on the cat

But give us banter back

That's a KnT rap



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8/10, needs more whammy. Perhaps a little twisty chaos pad wouldn't go amiss?


Sorry, no prob...


Twisting in my pad

Showing off my whammy

This party's like Kaoss!

I say to my girl Tammy


"I'd rather a huge mansion"

The cheeky fucking bitch!!

It's MY twistly kaoss pad

I want to scratch her like an itch


"yeh it would be nice dear

in a huge mansion together"

I'm lying through my teeth

I should have stuck with that girl heather


She liked my twistly pad

She loved my massive whammy

If only she liked my awful habits

We would have been really happy!


I like to pull girl's teeth out

Until all that's left are gums

Much less scratching on your whammy

Blow jobs are much more fun


Waking up from the roofies

They wonder what the fuck's going on

There's a cock in their mouth that they can't bite

I think this rap's about done.




Whammy, whammy!

Whammy, whammy!

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olol i'm actually at the apex of my current binge. Going to the states on thursday, can't take anything with me obviously, i'm going with my dad and brothers. This will be the longest i've been without weed in around 18 months so no idea what to expect.


Listen to me kids

Drugs ain't cool

It can happen to anyone

Even if you finish school


You can get a degree

Work a full time job

Be in a cool band

You're still a drugged-up slob


So when you're offered a joint

Even though it looks fat

Just say no kids

That's a KnT rap.

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I'm logging out of kit and tab

Only for a few days

Flying off to the states

Ending my drug-haze

I'm going to bad-boy records

They fucking love my raps

I'm going to get my cock out





Some classics from the archive to keep you going....



You're gay IMO

I fucking love your floor

Lets start the show:


I show you my amp

you stop and leer

Masturbating over gear

we're all fucking queer


Playing soggy pedal board

The last one has to lick it

Our gear means we'll never afford

A sh*tty muse ticket


That doesn't matter

We won't miss it

Since they stopped copying rage

Muse have really shit-it


Can someone show

How to get that MOTP sound?

Does anyone know?

Can it possibly be found?


Course it fucking can

Search you fucking twat!

This is fucking K&T

This is the K&T Rap.



Yeh, dig it


The K&T rap.







I wrote a letter to Santa

Then wiped my arse on it

I wrote him one last year

It wasn't worth shit


So I wrote a new letter

To embody my G.A.S

A KnT rap

To shove up yo mama's ass


So I asked my parents,

I asked for a fuzz factory

So I can twist it's knobs

And make my guitar sound nasty


And yo, I asked my parents,

I asked for a Kaoss Pad

(not 'cos i'm a wannabe)

To make my guitar sound mad


I asked them for a diezel


They said "no way!"

"We can't afford any more!!"


How about that?

The fucking cunts

I'll never get brutal tone

Christmas sucks.


I just want my fucking presents

I just want my fucking money

Bring me twistly guitar gear

and bring it in a hurry








Since I got my whammy

My life's been turned around

With a small cock and ugly looks

My love-life had run a-ground


Now i've got my whammy

My head's held proud and high

I walk past groups of hot chicks

And every one of them sighs


I'm like a fucking lynx advert

The effect is that extreme

Some people like to blend the dry

But that wouldn't work with the meme


If you get a whammy

You can be as cool as me

women want to whammy your whammy

They want to whammy while you pee


If you get a whammy

You put your wank-sock in the bin

No more fapping, only tapping

You're made of epic-win!


Since I got my whammy

I whammied your mum, your dad, your cat

No more bedroom-wanking now

That's a KnT rap





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When I came across the raps of Tom I get restless

'Cos another rap winner wasn't on my guestlist

But then I should expect this

A game with a lotta dough, a frame with a lotta snow

With a name that you gotta know and fame that you gotta show

Bitches all bitchin' about their kit and tab,

Point 'em in the direction of the Girly Thread 'cos that's where all the bitches at.

Hardwood bodies and silver strings

Don't mean a thing when you got bling matched with the ho's that you bring,

Cos y'all know Gemsy can sing

Y'all know my lyrics can dance

Y'all know it's hard enough keepin' dip away from that ass

Gotta banstick for the sass? Like a lean poet needs grass,

Your ass needs a coolin' so where's all the popsicles at?

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Ha, he's actually at work doing those. That's why he's only on between 9am and 5:30pm.


Fuck yeh I get paid to rap

Sit on my ass, go to the bog to fap

Do some data manipulation, take some sales calls

Write a KnT rap with my shit on the walls


I'm glad to see some participation

But i'm not interested in collaboration

Post raps in my thread while i'm on vacation?

You cheeky fuck I ought to teach you a lesson


I'll leave it 'till tonight when yo mama's home

I'll get her to spank you while I give her the bone

I'll spunk on your guitar and ruin it's tone

Maybe that'll teach you to leave my thread alone



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But with Tom it's basically the same thing


CheddaT will rape your mind through your eyes

I'm not a physical rapist, that's all lies

At least I'm technically innocent - I said "surprise!!"

Or are you s'posed to stop when you hear their cries?

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In the interest of archiving my raps, included below is my rap about Bshuker, a clever guy who took a joke the tinyest bit too seriously...



I once knew a guy, I thought he was cool

Everytime I read his posts, it was like being at school

I took a little time to wind up the motherfucker

He rose to the bait, my man bshuker


Yo, Don't riiiise to it

It's just some dumb trolling by a little shit

Just because you normally get away with it

y'all don't need to go have an epileptic fit


check it, you know fuck all about MIDI

your all time favorite artist is a rapper called fiddy

You know, you ain't got a clue about racks

You're so backward you don't even know how to use a FAX

Yo mama, knows more about gear than you

She laughs at your rig like you haven't got a clue

Yo bshuker, get her to teach you how to tap

It'll take you 20 years, yeh that's a KnT rap





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