Whoa, that's a whole lotta shit.

I can't just pretend it's not to make you feel better, coz that'd be a lie. You're not faking anything.

I can't suggest anything - i don't know from experience how you're feeling - but just hold on and get help. I had a friend who nearly threw herself under a bus. She wrote the suicide note and everything but my friends and i persuaded her not to die. I hadn't even noticed anything was wrong until then. But she's... changeable. A strange girl, but not weird, not like unordinary. In winter i get affected by the bad stuff because (a) winter gets me down - majorly - and (b) i have exams and rehearsals then and both sides hate me. My teachers hate me for not turning up to lessons and going to rehearsals instead and my music teachers hate me when i can't turn up to their rehearsals and i hate me for not being able to keep up on school work. It's a dark place and i dread winter, but it's nowhere near as dark as where you are now.

Just try to get some help. I know it sounds corny; but try opening up old wounds (for fuck's sake not literally) and taking a look at why you're so depressed. Really really really look. Get someone to go through it all for you. Not your parents - parents are blind - someone else that you can trust absolutely.

Oh and if you don't become a multi-millionaire rock star, become a writer!

is it serious then? I'm not gunna be subtle about it if it's genuinely a big deal.

What's the difference between depression and clinical depression??

Aw, but you usually sound so upbeat! Unlike me, who never stops with the moaning!

lol, how would you know i'm smart?

I hate revision though... ugliest word in the world! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Don't make me!! Yuck!

k, that's fine.

I reckon i'm going to get a C or scrape a B. I think i'll get a C though, which isn't too bad i suppose. As long as i don't get less than that i don't mind.

Have you got my email address? Do you mean on here?

I'm gunna fuck it up big time. I've barely revised and my folks want me to do higher, but i want to do foundation... i can get a C in foundation, but if i do higher i'll only get a D or an E... More likely than not i won't even get a pass.

I never act myself around my parents. Well, barely ever. They'd hate me if they knew how crude and silly i am, how much i swear and how i'm truly doing at school. I'm not that grade A* kiddie i used to be. It's not through any fault of my own, that's just it. I soaked up information like a sponge until i got to year seven and then i was just full up. i just don't learn like i used to. doesn't help that so many of our teachers can't actually teach.

What school??

Not to share? Not that i'm being nosy, i'm just trying to air things a bit. Open up if you need to.

Oh i've got my fucking Chemistry1a exam on thursday and i need to revise but i hate hate hate chemistry so much that i can't bring myself to pick up my science book...

Jesus, that's unhealthy, mate. Be your dark old self around your friends, and even if they back off, you'll end up with mates who understand you better. Don't hurt yourself; there's no point. If you're mixed up inside go beat a pillow half to death or scream at yourself and anyone and everyone for an hour or so, in a room where you won't be disturbed. If you can't get any priivacy turn your music up over your yelling! A better way to get out anger is to punch walls. I do that, but i know a guy who did it and broke his hand! whoops!

what's the problem anyway? Why do you do it? just the small things that piss us all off, or sumin else?

Cry if you wanna cry, scream if you wanna scream, just don't go cutting yourself up.

omg lol, please tell me you're not serious!

Come's to think of it, it's the sort of thing i'd do for an experiment. How much would it hurt, will i die, would i have the guts? that sort of thing! lol i don't think i'll try that one!

probably. I don't love it, but i tend to willingly and knowingly inflict it upon myself anyway. I don't go around slitting my wrists or anything, but i... i don't know... i tend to make myself tired or ill or in pain and then hate, but relish, and resent, but experiment [with] it. It's really weird. It's like i have some fascination with how ill i can make myself without just wanting to get better. It's worn off as i've got older, but when i was little, i used to make myself sick so i didn't have to go to school, so perhaps it stems from that. I don't know - it's weird what us humans are like! lol

heavy, but like you're not really there. Can't concentrate - hell, can't even think - and just total lack of energy. Like if you lay down you'd never be able to get up again.

I know what you mean - strange...

Jesus, if i my mates knew you they'd stop calling me posh! lol Well done, though! I don't have any money anymore... i spent it all on books - naturally. I'm so stupid like that!

Oh, we didn't go in the end. I don't know why; the decision didn't include me!

I'm so fucking tired!! Oh my god!!

don't know - probably up to victoria.

What's that? like horse racing or something?

lol

people who couldn't go last night kept wanting me to sing for them! It was scary!

I'm up so early for a saturday... *sigh*... i've got riding early today. usually it's at half four, but there's a big fair thing with loud music starting at four and my riding teacher needs to look after Tudor in case the music freaks him out, like it usually does. I'm so tired... I'm gunna go up to london later. i can't decide if i like london or not. i resent it for it's pollution and fashion ideals (to which i refuse to conform) but in a sort of shallow way i like the bright lights and the restaurants and shops... i don't know...

d'u get that too?

It's out of order...

I'm so so so tired... I'm still reeling from how much everyone loved me - it's creepy. Suddenly everyone wants to know you, but (based on my own experiences!) you're sort of untouchable - like out of reach. It's surreal. But i like it!

No, not usually, but as soon as someone else cops out i get ladelled with their race! OMG Not fair!

it's not my peers it the fucking teachers!

Amen, sister. lol

Aw, yuck! I hate sports day! It's evil evil evil!!! I've got mine on July the 5th. I think i'll just do javeline and the 75m. I like javeline, and 75m is the shortest race. This year i'm not fucking doing anyone else's races! Everyone usually fucks off and coz i'm a nice reliable girl, they fob it off on me!! I've had to deal with that both years so far and it's really unfair, so i'm not standing for it this year. No chance.

Meanie kitten!

lol u make it sound like i'm getting married or something! I'm hoping people'll remember me coz my act was different to the others. I was singing on my own - something no one else did for more than a 10sec solo - and i was playing music that no one else wanted to play. lol I like to stand out.

Now whenever my college needs someone to show off, apparently they're going to call on me. Oh well, i want it that way. Today's gunna be weird though. I bet i'll get at least a few people telling me how good i was. It's a shame it was the showcase, which basically means only the good kids were there, so not everyone saw it... And all the other colleges missed out too...

OUr school is in a college system - one school, five colleges - Phoenix, Pegasus, Orion, Aquila and 'college VI'. lol I'm in phoenix.

I'm knackered now though... wears you out!

it was perfect! i totally rock'n'rolled! Everyone was telling me how amazing i was! It was SO weird! It'll be even weirder tomorrow when i see everyone! lol

My friends launched themselves on me as soon as the last speech finished! I couldn't breathe, there were that many people smothering me! I can't believe they were so impressed! Easily pleased, clearly!

Yes, i am still trying to be modest! I fluffed a couple of the notes up a little bit, but no one noticed.

I know - isn't it great?

I'm performing house of the rising sun tomorrow all on my own on a humungous stage in front of 300-400 people, some of which will be my school mates. I'M SO NERVOUS!!!

I believe! I believe i will die, anyway... lol

cheers! Maybe i'll get someone to video it...

easy for you to say! There'll be over 300 people - kids and parents - watching and i'm gunna be up there all on my own... I'm gunna be slaughtered.

I know, she's gotta be bonkers! It's the sorta thing i'd love to do, but would never ever have the confidence for!

Cheers. I really hope so. Everyone i've shown has said it's great but still... I know, i love this song, which is why i can't afford to fuck it up! eek!

That cover isn't actually that bad. The singing is slightly off key and the singer's jumping up and down and chucking her coat off at the beginning was a bit pretentious... Oh yeah, and they're out of time. Badly. It's the singer who's fucking it up. Not even i would go over the top. Holy shit is that the best they can do for the solo? It's spot on, but it's a bit pathetic...

I'm less worried now. I've nearly got it perfect...