How do you mean, kinda?! You either are or you aren't!! No, i think i know what you mean. Just try (and i know it doesn't sound nice) blaming other people. Because it's not always your fault when things go wrong. I generally blame other people (yes i know - not nice) just because i know what kind of a depressed rut i'd get into if i didn't.

Can't wait for high school? Yeah, if that's what you mean, then i was like that too. Ha, i know so much better now... lol, i'm only kidding - you'll love it. You do kinda get bored of the whole thing after a few years though. Just like primary school really - i loved that in reception and year1, but then i just got bored of being trapped inside when i could be sleeping or playing in the sun. All the different subjects are great though - you get specialist teachers and stuff. I can't wait for year ten (no, not because i like school) because i'll be studying topics of my choice. GCSE stuff. Oh and by the way - no slacking. I'm not joking, GCSEs come up way too fast and if you bend the rules in first year you'll be playing truant by year nine and ten! I've got so lazy - my uniform used to be so neat!! Oh yeah, that's another thing, right. Get your uniform perfect for the first term and keep your behaviour impeccable. The teachers begin to trust you so much that they don't even notice when you're slouched in your chair eating god knows what and not doing any work. If they do notice they don't seem to mind! It's so funny how i get away with everything, but the bad kids can't say boo without being kicked outa the class!

Fucking bitch!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! I've got another week and 2 days!!! NOT FAIR!!! My cousins in Scotland are all off school now coz in scotland all the holidays start and finish a week or two early. I'm so pissed off. I can't deal with school anymore. I'm not going! Can't make me! I'm too fucking tired, you can't make me!! I've decided to sleep through all my lessons for the next week and 2days! I'm too tired and too hot for bullshit like learning! What a stupid idea!

I thought it was when i first picked it up, but when i discovered L.J. Smith (the author of Vampire Diaries and loads and loads of other vampire/fantasy books) i realised people had been writing dark fantasy novels for teens for ages. LJ Smith is a life-saver. I was obsessed with her Night World series and now i'm obsessed with the Vampire Diaries series!

It's really good! It's quite a long book, but i loved it so much i read the whole thing in three days! I absolutely love that book! Can't wait for no.2!!! 'Torment' comes out in september... such a long wait!!!

Vampires and other mystical thngs. One of the girls has psychic powers and i'm pretty sure one of the boys is about to turn into some sort of monster... a werewolf probably. It's not your average vampire story by any stretch of the imagination. It looks like the woman who wrote Twilight was very much influenced by these books (they're quite old books now - about 7-10 years old at least).

Speaking of; if you see 'Fallen' by Lauren Kate anywhere, do not hesitate to buy it! Not for a second! It's an amazing book! I can't wait until the second one comes out!

Ha! Thank you!!!

Ever thought about asking himm why he's the way he is??

Just about!!

As usual. That's the way of life. High school's a bit shit for the first week and then it's really great for a while and then by the end of the year it's a bit shit again. lol It's fine though! By the time you get to my year nobody has a status anymore. I'm in year nine. The social ranking system just goes to pot. No one cares anymore - you sorta realise you're all pretty much the same anyway.

I'm alright. So can't wait for the summer holiday!!! I'm absolutely wiped out - i'm that tired! No words... i wanna sleep and just never awake. Roll on summer is all i can say!

Me too! I can't wait!

Aww! I know - that's bad about the winter holiday.

I'm reading Vampire Diaries by L.J.Smith. They're really good. Yeah - i've been suckered by the dark fantasy novels! literally!!! I like Fallen Angel stories best - vampires aren't my favourite. I like witches too, but not as much as angels!

YAY!!!

Oh of course... didn't think of that.

Ooh yeah! That sounds kinky! lol

Huh. Can i help?

I'm alright too - tired as usual! Oh well.

I've got two more weeks until the summer holiday. I can't wait! I hate school. I hate the lot of it. I can't stand tests and teachers annoy me.

Yeah, i suppose i'm okay. I'm just tired and that makes me grumpy! But i'm only tired because i've been staying up late. I don't know why i've been staying up late really... probably to annoy my mum. dad wouldn't care if he knew; which he doesn't. sometimes i wish my mum could take his more relaxed approach to... not just parenting, but everything.

anyway, read any good books recently?

Hi! I haven't spoken to you for ages!

How's things?

Of course you are.

Yeah, hate to break it to you, but the seven-string is the one he uses for citizen erased and i want it!!! lol

Hmm... I think he'll have vanished altogether. I'll let the other fans have him first - he'll have got laid more while he's dead than when he's alive! Then i'll steal him back along with those guitars! perhaps a note would be necessary. We need to explain why there are all these teenage girls fucking his corpse. I'm gunna make a hell of a lotta money outa that!

It's nasty to think about them all dead! They're so adorable! I can't ever imagine them getting old and decrepid.

But that's so unfair. Why would he do that if he can be kind? If he has a heart, then why does he so rarely use it?

Oh god... that was awful. Please- no more!

Yay! I'll have to hear you some time.

Nah, i never win anything. It was alright i suppose. Got sunburnt though!

How did it go?? Good stuff?

Oh fuck! well i want the new double-necked one and the seven-string! They're my faves!!! That seven string is gorgeous! Couldn't play it, but i still love it! I'm having Matt's voice - SEXY - and... well, the rest of him too! I don't care if he's down one manson, and without hands or hair, i still want him!

By the way, i love your new avatar! Amazing!!

Oh yeah, and i want Matt's lips too! Just making sure that comes with the face! I've never seen anyone pout like that man!

Yeah, and i'll... take his, uh... I dunno... neck. or something...

lol

It doesn't help that conspiracy is in most things. It's mean of him to do that though... what's the point? Just to terrorise you? But why would he wanna do that? What does he get out of it?

Lol, that's an awful pun. Cool, i've always wanted to be able to play piano, and i can, but barely. I'm not very good.

Good plan! lol That is actually quite well thought out.

But anyway, i've got sports dy now - bye! (wish me luck )

Yeah, sports day sucks egg. lol, thanks.

Whoa... I can see what you mean about being nice. Kind, almost. There's no way you could have lost it earlier at your friends house?? I mean, you definitely felt it come off in the pool?

How is he trying to make you go crazy?

I'm alright - bit tired. I've got sports-day tomorrow I hate sports-day! Have done since reception. Worst day of the year. Hate it.

But anyway, how do you mean he was nice? Playing on the Stockholme Syndrome theory again. I... obviously i can't... i don't know exactly what it's like to be in your position, but i do know what it's like to fall in love with the bad guy. Hate and love can co-exist side-by-side without either destroying the other. Sucks, huh?

It's so fluffy!! i love it! Ooh! Fine then, but i want... Dom's... um... torso! lol

ha! no one wants dom's face!

*gulp* What did he want this time?

lol, s'alright.

Yeah, it was pretty cool!

What's-a-happening with you recently then? I'm just tired and complaining abou the heat and my really bad hearing. Ah well, things will change. You?

Fair enough. But i want Dom's arms! And Matt's face!

lol is this all you can say to that?

Nah, it's when you have this huge zipwire like thing on a lake and you sit crouched on this little board, cling on to one of the ropes (hanging from the wire) and get yanked around the lake! It's amazing, but it hurts! I was too cold to care at the time! It's like when you see people being pulled by a boat, but they had a long bit of wire instead which is more practical really. lol

I know... whoops!

Lol, i shouldn't laugh, but it's really hard not to!

Yeah, sorry about that!!

Feeling something - anything - is a good sign at least. And you're onpening your eyes to hope and opportunity, which proves you're not so desperate to end it as you have been before. Pain and confusion are actually normal feelings attached to thoose kinda thoughts! You're not weird, basically! My brain feels ready to explode when i start thinking like that. Wanting to be happy is definitely a good start! lol You need to permanently think of what life could be like - think of all the love and happiness and other good stuff that you could ber surrounded by if you break down this barrier of sadness and pain. It's okay that you still cut yourself. I wouldn't expect you to be able to stop right away. But maybe now you can see the glimmer of a light at the end of that long dark tunnel, perhaps you should think about how much you cut yourself and carefully reduce it. I know it's not quite like an addiction, but if you feel like you really have to cut yourself, then try not to do it as much. Slowly you'll realise that you can and will get by without.

God, me too. I'm knackered. Went knee-boarding the other day. unbelievable experience, but now i'm so tired and my arms hurt like hell!

shit, i've done it again! Look at that! How do i find so much to say?!

Sometimes he's home at a decent time - like tonight he's already back, but that kinda means we have to put up with him bitching and swearing about his employees for the first half an hour until he gets it out of system. I thought i had a short temper. That man is mental sometimes! I tell him off, but that just makes it worse. It really doesn't help either that me and my brothers are hiding around the nearest corner sniggering at it all! He has no idea how funny he looks and sounds when he gets a bee in his bonnet about something!

I know. The lyrics of some songs... they absolutely touch my soul. I couldn't imagine my life if i hadn't discovered rock music - especially Muse. I need music to live... i just can't be without it. I can't, i can't, i can't... I sound demented, but really that's how i feel about it. I get panicked at simply the thought of someone taking music away from me. If i was left with rap, r'n'b and dance, i'd still die. I couldn't live like that... i couldn't... If i had Wicked, Les Miserables and some old pop tunes from 2001 or something i think i'd survive, but barely. Deep breaths. They can't take that away from us.

Good. I'm here to help! The Daughter of the Devil is on your side, my friend! lol lol lol

Yeah, i guess so. My mum always thinks it's me being pathetic or just irritating when i say painkillers don't work. Well they don't - it's not my fault.

I thought it might be that. Or at least, that's what sprung to mind when you said it. I can't bear it. I have such a short temper, but that doesn't mean i like it. I hate myself for that. I hate that i snap sometimes and look, not only like a nutter, but like a horrid person too. I'm not that inside. I know that, but it doesn't change the fact that i'm so... volatile. It's not right on a small scale like that, but it is pretty harmless. It's when world leaders think it's okay to lose their tempers and then make rash decisions that leave people dead. That's when i get annoyed. And sad. It makes me sad that these people can't see how important they are, and that they aren't mature enough to realise that the decisions they make on a whim could affect everyone. And just look. Look at the sky. From my bedroom window i can see into croydon and nearly to the edge of london (i have one kick-arse view!!) and the sky goes this frightening purple-black colour over croydon and london whenever the weather is hot enough and the sky is clear enough to see it. Makes my skin creep.

Now what's that supposed to mean?! I'm not with you! (i'm not always the most intuitive person - so shoot me)

Thanks! I really hope so! I'm considering psycology as a very last option. Very, very last option though. I will not turn to literature until i have tried every way possible to get into the music industry. I like writing. It comes with reading tonnes i guess. I'm gunna steal a wad of cash off dad and go to waterstones tomorrow. I'm running out of books! :O

That's alright. I know how THAT feels at least. I want to scream and shout, but snooze and rest at the same time. I'm so tired i can't move, but in my mind i'm still on full power and teeming with energy that i can't use because i'm so knackered. It's really frustrating! I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was fighting my tired body so hard. Instead i focused that energy on working out the hysteria riff. Worked as well, although i think i need to translate it to an octave up.

I never speak properly. I write the way i think - in full sentences! But when i talk it's usually mumbled four-word sentences! Unless i'm really passionate about a subject and then i'll talk the way i write now. Or if i'm really hyper i just talk to no end. My words spill in to one another. I stutter as well when i'm trying to get something out but my brain has left my mouth behind and it can't keep up! I'm someone of many personalities. I wouldn't say they're all acts - more that they're all actually me. Changeable. And seriously crabby when i'm tired! lol

Holy hell, that's a lot of text!!