eh, i don't really think so. but you're too kind for saying so regardless!

basically she and i had a really great time. then, we get back to my house and i stall in her car for awhile, and finally ask, “so, when you held my hand the other night, was that just to make me feel better?”

“yeah, it was.”

thirty minutes later, this is our text conversation.

her: “you know why i said that, right?”

me: “said what?”

her: “that it was just, making you feel better”

me: “why did you say that?”

her: “it’s not easy. i know you know that. i grabbed your hand, but i know i shouldn’t have. it wasn’t to make you feel better. but if i get into anything with you, it’s only going to end up screwing you over. i’m not meant for things like this. i’m too much of a wreck. especially now. all i can see is me hurting you, like i hurt everyone.”

me: “all the pain i’ve felt already? that’s all completely worth this, just being able to talk to you, let alone hang out with you. being with you is beyond my dreams. and i’m willing to deal with everything and anything to do it. i know you feel like you’ll screw me over, but i don’t care. i just want to be with you because i love you. if you grow tired of me and leave me, i will be hurt, of course. but i will never, hate you, i will never blame you, and i will never, ever stop loving you. the fact that i still have these feelings and continue to fight for you means i’m willing to deal with whatever comes.”

her: “i don’t want to see you get hurt. i’ve been in a relationship for over a year, i need a lot of time to figure things out. how am i supposed to know what i want when i haven’t seen anything at all? do you see what i mean? i’ll hurt you. i don’t want to ruin what we could have by doing this now. i’m 17. this isn’t the type of thing to be messing around with when you’re 17.”

me: “age doesn’t mean anything if the love is there. but okay, i understand what you’re saying, i do. just know this; i’ll wait for you forever.”

her: “i hope so.”

that was on monday. yesterday and today we hung out for a little while. she goes out of her way to see me, especially today. she drove me to where i get picked up. and tomorrow my mom's going to be late, so she's staying with me and we'll do homework together. i really don't know at this point. i know she's afraid she'll hurt me, but i don't care. i want her to hurt me. i want to be with her.