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So... a few (20) years back.

I was a tone deaf, truly awful singer, with a mental health condition that caused delusions of grandeur. Tough break, I suppose. One of the triggers for the onset of this condition was Origin of Symmetry.

I was already a big Muse fan, then one fateful night I dropped over 30 pills. Never quite came back.

For over a year I struggled, then eventually popped. I was listening to Origin, and my state of mind was not good. I began to believe that Muse (specifically Matt Bellamy) had written Origin to encourage peeps to sing. I felt that the album was aimed at people who couldn't sing, but were... plagued by the knowledge that art was being undermined by capitalist forces. Matt was searching for people like him (blah, blah, yeah I know, I was nuts), in that he wanted people who felt like he did when he discovered he could sing... To make the same imaginative leap that he did.  It is worth pointing out that I was into writing, then as now and have a relationship with music, as a listener. Music has buoyed me through some dark times, because music for me is like a support network. Anything ever felt by anyone at any point has an echo in some recording, somewhere. Then, as now, I'm fascinated by this feature.

I considered that if Matt had discovered his vocal abilities later in life than (normal), it must be possible for me to sing. Sadly, the condition of my narcotic addled mind launched me into a manic belief that I could immediately sing. That I rocked.  I had no musical training.

So fast forward 10 years from this point. I've gone to mental hospital. Come out. Been correctly told I couldn't sing. I eventually go to uni, to study Sociology and History, and learn about social construction. I also learn about a culture of beautiful singers during the enslavement of Africa, and that the idea of intrinsic talent is highly problematic, from the perspective of social construction. There is a wealth of phenomena world-wide that supports that social construction theory is at least partly accurate (and potentially absolutely. I also in my infinite wisdom chose to come off my tablets.

10 years later, I'm well again and wiser for that experience. I also became interested in practicing my singing again, with little regard for the opinions of my friends and family in this. Fact is, in an industrial society (I reasoned) we may have forgotten that singing as an art form is a skill, not a talent.

This is how I'm sounding now:

If I'm right, I think Matt Bellamy did undergo a tumultous time, centered around him trying to convince his loved ones that he could sing, that it was possible for him to develop his voice, when he had shown no real gift for it before then. I wonder how quickly a child prodigy on instruments might intuitively make the progress which took me a good 7 years... Although I've probably peaked without getting actual lessons, and I'm obviously nowhere near the level of a professional, never mind his level. I suppose the good thing about my experience is that I came through it, and realised that I didn't need to lead my life letting other people make my choices (which conversely stopped me making all the wrong ones). I'm now working on a book, and hope to finish the bloody thing this year.

 

 

 

need your love so bad.wav

imagine.wav

Edited by paranoiawilldestroy
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  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

Think I've cracked recording a bit better. This started out as a training excercise, but I ended up quite liking it... I've also included a Muse cover.

The Long Road Back

Before, before, my peculiar before,

Squandering sound advice, so cavalier,

Brittle yet aloof, each rebuke a chore,

I suppose I was enslaved by my fear,

I critiqued myself, desperate, unsure,

My vanity expunged, a perception,

Erased, shattered, and very insecure,

Where once I crowed I was an exception,

Except, those things I thought, I thought I knew,

They stayed with me, after the madness passed,

After I floundered, drowned… Could they be true?

Reborn, shriven and completely aghast,

Reality? My past, my potential,

The truth I judge to be providential.

dream a little dream ella version.wav

plug in baby.wav

Edited by paranoiawilldestroy
stick a poem in, why not?
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