i suppose it is, but to be honest, i'm quite a shit driver as well... but this guy was just out of line! nearly cost me an arm and a leg.

god, i know she is. she kills me, she's way too smart for me. and i wish we could! but we live half an hour away from another, so it's a bit difficult. but we do take advantage of the time we have together!

whaaaaaat?? extra in a student film AND london?!?! TELL ME MORE.

i was just in a two-lane street that was crowded with cars. literally bumper to bumper. and i had to merge into the right lane. so as i do, it's going okay as i slip into the very minimal space provided for my car. then, the car in front of me decides to immediately stop and turn right without turning their signal on, as i'm going about forty behind them. that was a frightening moment! but she was not in the car, no. i just thought of her. and by the way, we were talking last night, and this was said (concerning my jealousy)

K: "ugh. if you're going to roam the world with me you must learn to translate that jealousy into passion for the bedroom. just saying."

Me: "you have to give me a chance first."

K: "i will. not now, though. you know that."

so yeah, this whole waiting thing is really killing me. ANYWAY. enough about me! what's the life of dani like?

whatever you say, dani!

yeah, i guess i do actually think like this. and by the way, just about thirty minutes ago i almost got into a huge car accident, and everything slowed down and all i could think of was K. like, i'm in the driver seat, my car is about an inch away from crashing into the car in front of me, and i slammed the brakes, and time slowed and i just saw K smiling, and i felt really happy and warm, and then i heard screeching and i came back to reality. that was weird. and my memory of us on my birthday was seven months ago, july 9th, right before one in the afternoon.

no! i really didn't. when i turned that one into my advisor, she said she gets tired of telling me how great my writing is. and i had people come up to me saying things you're saying, that they pissed themselves laughing. and i sincerely do not see it. it's not even modesty! i just don't see it.

i feel like all this pain i've felt, this entire ordeal, sure it hurts. and i'm willing to suffer for eternity for her, but damn. this is going to be a great story, isn't it? and she is, she's the smartest person i know. she's in IB and she got straight a's. that's just ridiculous. and i do. i had strong, strong feelings for her the entire time i knew her. but it was on my birthday, when it was just us. she took me to this burger place that uses waffles as buns. really, REALLY good. we finish eating and we start driving again, and the middle by jimmy eat world comes on. and we both just start belting the lyrics at the top of our lungs. and i stop and look over at her, and i see the happiness in her. i see how beautiful she is and i couldn't stop looking. and it was at that point i realized i truly loved her. i remember it exactly. she wore dreamcather earrings, a rolling stones t-shirt, jean shorts, and converse shoes. her eyes shined exceptionally bright that day and her hair fell to the middle of her back. that's my fondest memory of her.

eh, i don't really think so. but you're too kind for saying so regardless!

basically she and i had a really great time. then, we get back to my house and i stall in her car for awhile, and finally ask, “so, when you held my hand the other night, was that just to make me feel better?”

“yeah, it was.”

thirty minutes later, this is our text conversation.

her: “you know why i said that, right?”

me: “said what?”

her: “that it was just, making you feel better”

me: “why did you say that?”

her: “it’s not easy. i know you know that. i grabbed your hand, but i know i shouldn’t have. it wasn’t to make you feel better. but if i get into anything with you, it’s only going to end up screwing you over. i’m not meant for things like this. i’m too much of a wreck. especially now. all i can see is me hurting you, like i hurt everyone.”

me: “all the pain i’ve felt already? that’s all completely worth this, just being able to talk to you, let alone hang out with you. being with you is beyond my dreams. and i’m willing to deal with everything and anything to do it. i know you feel like you’ll screw me over, but i don’t care. i just want to be with you because i love you. if you grow tired of me and leave me, i will be hurt, of course. but i will never, hate you, i will never blame you, and i will never, ever stop loving you. the fact that i still have these feelings and continue to fight for you means i’m willing to deal with whatever comes.”

her: “i don’t want to see you get hurt. i’ve been in a relationship for over a year, i need a lot of time to figure things out. how am i supposed to know what i want when i haven’t seen anything at all? do you see what i mean? i’ll hurt you. i don’t want to ruin what we could have by doing this now. i’m 17. this isn’t the type of thing to be messing around with when you’re 17.”

me: “age doesn’t mean anything if the love is there. but okay, i understand what you’re saying, i do. just know this; i’ll wait for you forever.”

her: “i hope so.”

that was on monday. yesterday and today we hung out for a little while. she goes out of her way to see me, especially today. she drove me to where i get picked up. and tomorrow my mom's going to be late, so she's staying with me and we'll do homework together. i really don't know at this point. i know she's afraid she'll hurt me, but i don't care. i want her to hurt me. i want to be with her.

ha, i'm glad you liked it! my goal is to be a screenwriter, or a music journalist for npr. livin' the dream!

ah, jack is honestly an all right guy. but come on, man. K even told me she was trying to discourage him to spend time with me. but anyway yeah! yesterday was really great, i always love spending time with her. she's the one person i'm truly comfortable around, without a doubt. and i think she may have kind of hinted at us being in a relationship at some point?

well here is my review of the justin bieber christmas album i did for our christmas issue. kids got a kick out of this one.

"What was meant to be Canadian-born Justin Bieber's fifteen minutes of fame has somehow evolved into over two years of over-publicized drama about haircuts, an episode in which Bieber claimed Americans don't know what “German” is and, yes, music to please young teenage girls on the rise of puberty. Infiltrating the media with his catchy choruses invoking infants with his popular hit “Baby,” Justin apparently decided he wasn't content contaminating minds with senseless lyrics, and has now targeted a pop star's cash cow: Christmas.

It seems Justin is trapped in a perpetual state of clichéd one-liners, opening his debut Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe with the lyric, “If you’re the only thing I ever get for Christmas, then everything I wished for has come true.” Never viewed as a prodigal Bob Dylan in terms of social or romantic expression, Bieber drops any shred of creativity along the wayside anyway and directs his attention to creating a radio-friendly hook. But hey, it’s all about the money, right? Which leads to Justin’s lead single off the album, Mistletoe, an explorative track of bare acoustic sound to expose his complacently exaggerated voice, straining every note in hopes of capturing the attention of corporate executives and “Beliebers” alike. Mistletoe proves disastrous as he whines his way through three minutes of indulgent bubblegum pop, with the most distressing part being his frequent use of the word, “shawty,” a staple in the lyricism of gangsta-rap group Wu-Tang Clan, a correlation unfitting of a seventeen-year-old boy from Ontario, Canada.

Yet, it wouldn’t be a proper Bieber bash without the star-studded guests to fill the voids of commercialized top-forty pop music. Taking an opportunity to dip his foot into the pool of Justin’s popularity before it dries up is Busta Rhymes, providing his signature fast-paced raps in the Christmas classic, “Little Drummer Boy.” But they’ve decided to drop the “little” and refer to it as “Drummer Boy,” as if that would eliminate any stereotypes of Bieber’s inability to reach puberty. The worst aspect of the song isn’t even the combination of Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes, but Bieber’s attempt at writing lyrics. Justin initiates the flow of repulsive raps with, “It's crazy how some people say, say they don't care, when there's people on the street with no food; it's not fair.” Justin’s concern for the welfare of the less fortunate is overshadowed by his following rap, “Playin’ for the King, playin’ for the Title, I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the Bible.” Busta Rhymes assures Beiber doesn’t monopolize the wondrous worldplay, rapping “Sippin' eggnog with a little sprinkle of vanilla, even though it's kinda cold, pullin’ out a chinchilla.”

Whether you celebrate Christmas as the birth of Jesus Christ, the beginning of the winter solstice, or just a commercial holiday, we can all agree Justin Bieber's Under the Mistletoe ruins an otherwise joyous holiday with his overproduced vocals, vomit-inducing lyrics, and cringe-worthy guest spots. If you crave Christmas music with a sense of artistic integrity, She & Him’s A Very She & Him Christmas, Bright Eyes’ A Christmas Album, and Sufjan Stevens’ Songs for Christmas provide the cheery spirit of the holidays, and all three lack a Busta Rhymes cameo. It’s a win-win situation."

well, i'll tell you the whole story. there was a party last night that K was going to because i invited her. she gets there and i've already promised her a ride back in case she drinks a little (which she didn't). well, the entire time, there's this kid, we'll call him jack. jack has a crush on K and i basically spent the night fighting for K's attention because jack kept cockblocking me. the party ends, and K tells me jack is taking her home. that killed me, i wanted to cry. so my group and i go to denny's and K texts me asking if i'm going to our friend S's house (different S, not the one i was involved with). and we all were going anyway, and so K asks if i'll get her a shake from denny's. i get her the shake, we get to S's, i give her the shake and i kind of just ignore everyone and text my friend the whole time. i keep trying to get away from everyone, but K senses i'm upset and keeps asking me what's wrong. i tell her i'm fine. the couches are occupied so i find myself at a table with K and guess who decides to join us? yeah, fucking jack. jack keeps making jokes and K's laughing, and at this point i'm just so over it so i turn my back to them and just let them talk. and everyone else at the house is watching this kid play skyrim for his first time, he was high. i guess that's why everyone was getting a kick out of it. anyway, jack is all, "K, you look bored." and i'm just like, no shit jack (in my head). and jack asks her if she wants to go take a walk, and K says no, that skyrim looks interesting. so she shot him down because she didn't want to leave me. well i get up and find a bed to lay down on because i really don't want to be around anyone. about a minute later, K walks in and lays down next to me. we talk for a little bit, and then she says sorry. i ask what for, and she says everything. the entire last year and a half i suffered through and for telling me everything she did. i told her none of it was her fault, that i put myself through it all. she then takes my hand and holds it, rubbing her thumb across my hand as we both laid there. we just laid there in silence, holding each others hands. then we heard jack announce he was leaving, and that's K's ride. so she sits up on the bed and says bye, i say bye. she lingers for a little while longer just looking at me, then gets up and leaves.

tomorrow she comes over to my house and we're going to see the artist. so i'll see what happens then.

last year our online editor put everything on our school website, but he's failed to do so this year! maybe if i can find the drafts i can send you some of my reviews!

dani, open bar, just for you. we're going to have a small and intimate wedding, but you better bet your ass you'll be there.

i never really took a step back to view what we do from an outside perspective. and i guess you're right, we've been through a lot. kind of weird. but no, we have not. she's been single for less than a month, but i think if i do kiss her, it will be on the cheek. just something small to let her know i'm ready for something if she is. and that should be tonight, hopefully.

yes, i believe i can 100% say it is over between me and S.

my writing is going well! did i ever tell you? my school newspaper gave me my own music column! i love it, it's so awesome.

i really don't know what she means, but what you think is very reassuring! i like the persistence of this guy, it's honorable and now he's very happy and the wife is also happy, that's truly a great story.

anyway, i had a nice night with K tonight. we're both on the school newspaper and i have to interview this kid for my column at an open-mic night at our school. so we interview the guy and then K and i spend the rest of the night together watching the acts and such. and we just kept looking into each others eyes while we sat so close together, and i could swear her pupils were as dilated as humanly possible. well, the night ends and i walk her to her car. we have a thing where we always talk about the moon, like we own it in a way. anyway, she points out the full moon and how beautiful it is, and all i can think is how beautiful she is. we get to her car and we talk for a little while longer. then she hugs me, and as we're about to let go, she keeps holding me. she says she can hear my heart beating. this is weird because i have a heart murmur. she holds me longer and presses her head against my chest, and for the first time in a great while, i can hear my heartbeat as well. we let go and then she drives off. this was a great night. whenever i get to spend time with her, i just feel so happy.

I really don't think so! Just an average teenager, you know.

She knew we were friends, but she definitely didn't know the extent of our relationship. No one knows aside from K and I. Although, if S and I ever got serious, I planned to tell her everything. She had a right to know it all.

Yes, I'm very happy as well! To the end he was a complete asshole and she's much happier now than when she was in her relationship. Of course, she gets those blues, but I make sure to cheer her up every time she's down.

Honestly, it's a bit of a grey area. We're still as good of friends as before, but there's definitely a bit of tension between us. But we both handle it very well. Just two nights ago K texts me saying she's a mess and that she's broken so many people's hearts and she feels completely guilty and sadistic. So texted this back, “you know what, ****? i love you, and that’s why i’m going to tell you to shut up. i’m really fucking tired of you blaming yourself for others misfortunes. these people all know what they’re getting themselves into, myself included. you think we’re just mindlessly going along with you? we’re all aware of the fact that you have a right to your own feelings. it’s incredibly misogynistic to think that falling in love with you, you have to do the same back. i got friendzoned, and you know what i did? i sucked it the fuck up and continued to be your friend because i admire you as a person. instead of thinking with my dick, i thought logically and felt with my heart and knew you were a good person that i wanted in my life. why the fuck do you think i’m still here? i have no chance of being with you, so i should have left a long time ago, right? well fuck that. you’re a great person. so fuck, stop it already.”

I wasn't upset, I just needed to communicate that to her. She responded with, "god dammit, i love you. you suck, i can’t even have a shitty night without you coming and shitting rainbows and butterflies on it. what the hell would i do without you, hector? you’ll make it out of the friendzone if you stick around long enough for me to be ready to be in a nonexistent, metaphorical marriage.”

I honestly don't know what that means, but I told her at this point it doesn't matter to me if we get together or not, I just want her in my life and I asked her to never leave me. She said, "I won't. Not now, not ever." So that's the most recent development of where we stand, and I'm honestly just as confused as ever!

Thank you! To be honest, once I started telling her, it just all came out so easily. I spent about twenty minutes explaining everything to her, and her to me, and it was one of the most relieving experiences of my life. Just getting it out there.

no you're not! it's perfectly reasonable to laugh at the irony she's created.

well, shit. i'm sorry if i type too much here, but a lot has happened.

okay, last i talked about this was in august? jesus... all right, well. i don't know where to begin! summer ended and we go back to school. my main objective was to get over her because nothing was coming out of it and i was torturing myself without any reason to. i'll tell you right now, i never got over her. but at this point, around september, i'm beginning to look around at others than her. i even develop a bit of a crush on my editor in chief of my school newspaper. we'll call her S. well, S begins to show some signs back at me. before i know it, S and i are texting each other day and hanging out. december 30th, one of the best days of my life. i visit her and we hang out and just talk for about ten hours, then she goes home. i felt a real connection. on december 30th, she asks me to the winter formal dance! i'd never been to a dance before, and it was all the more exciting that my crush asked me! well, it's about a week to the dance, and the girl i was in love with? we'll call her K. K tells me she's going to break up with her boyfriend. i'm so torn! i like S, but i've always been in love with K. but i set my feelings aside and help K through everything. well, for christmas, i got K a hand knit weasely sweater! it was $150, and i realize how absurd that is, but i love her as a person, along with romantically. but this gift was strictly as a friend. she loves it. then she gives me my present, and it's a $2 record. at this point, i'm really upset, and i never get upset. the only reason i could have been so upset is because i was still in love with K, as much as i tried to deny it (especially since things were going well with S). and i'm scared at how upset i got, so for K's safety, i ignore her for about three days, ensuring i don't blow up at her. well, winter formal night comes, and this is day two of me ignoring her. S and i have a GREAT time. the slowdance, the dinner, everything. after the dance, our group goes back to S's house for pizza and movies. slowly, people begin to leave until it's just me, S, and four of our friends. we're watching a movie, and S rests her head on my shoulder, and before i know it, she's fallen asleep. she looked so peaceful and beautiful. well, i rest my head on hers and fall asleep as well. then, i'm awoken by her gentle touch on my cheek and her saying, "hector, wake up." i wake up and it's just us in the room. she looks me in the eye, says hi, i say hi back, and then she kisses me for a good three seconds. that was incredible. FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT DAY. K calls me telling me she couldn't focus on the dance, that she was watching me the entire time because i had been ignoring her and she wanted to know if i was okay. she also told me she broke up with her boyfriend. she then asks me why i've been ignoring her, and i can't avoid it anymore. i tell her everything. i tell her about the entire last year and how i was in love with her for so long and that my feelings haven't gone away. she begins to cry and tells me she felt the same way, but she was afraid to say it, just like i was.

well, fast forward to now. S began to be weird, so we had a talk about where we stood. she said we didn't really know each other that well, that we only know things like we like similar music and movies. and she said she doesn't want to rush into a relationship like that. so we agreed to get to know each other better and see where things go. well, today i found out she went out on a date with some guy on friday. so essentially, things between S and i are over.

as for K, we still remain best friends. i'm still in love with her, but i'm trying not to let those feelings get in the way of our friendship. i guess that's it? i wonder how long this was. i'm sorry that you had to read all this! it's truly not that fascinating.

it's such a shame, i hate to see people's feelings toiled with like that. i do hope she finds some sense and becomes aware of what she's doing!

goodness, where do i even begin? where did i leave off, i suppose is the better question?

damn, typical high school drama! it's such a shame people like her exist. i don't understand the psyche of someone to play with one's emotions like that. it's such a terrible and hurtful thing, but oh well. i hope she's not really fucked up and does this kind of shit for enjoyment or her way of covering her own feelings. but hey, i'm really glad you're doing well now! sucks you went through that, but you came out a better person!

anyway, as for me. i really don't know how i am. i mean i have good days and i have bad days like everyone else. things just kind of blew up in my face and i'm not sure how to handle them, you know?

i'm glad to hear you're doing well! but nonono, i want to hear about this. of course, if you're willing. if you want to talk about what happened i shall listen!

Oh, I forgot to ask how you are!

DANI.

I miss you as well. I've been all right! Ups and downs, you know how it is. Tis life! And no worries! I'm not offended at all! At least we're talking now, right?

Well the only show I have lined up right now are The National at the Hollywood Bowl and Bon Iver at the Shrine, both in September... but I'm also going to Coachella! If that counts... What about you?

That seriously sounds incredible... Ending with He Would Have Laughed! I would have been in tears! Please tell me you were in tears so I don't feel like any less of a man.

I hate to bug, but you also saw Deerhunter?!

Yes you do! You're just blind

You have The National twice in your favorite bands. I love them too Melina, but calm down.

But I am selfish! No matter how you see it I am! I want for her to be with me when she's clearly very happy in her relationship now! Of course I only want her happiness and if she's happy with him then okay, but I really want her to realize that I've been there for her and that I should be with her! That's incredibly selfish! And then to tell her I love her when she's put so much trust in me and our friendship, after I tell her I love her either we'll fall in love with each other and be happy or everything ends. It's one of the hardest things I can imagine I'll have to do, and it's all for selfish reasons. I just don't want the guy to fall into depression, he's really a good person if she's in love with him. But yes, if we have a wedding you can be on the guest list

Yes! And she's so cute in interviews and all! I just watched the Van Gogh episode and I really think it's my favorite episode not just Matt Smith, but of all of them! After The Girl in the Fireplace, of course Which are your favorites?

I don't know what we plan yet! I think at the moment we're just focusing on getting it done But I think I'd like to screen it in a theatre for all our friends and family, then see where it goes from there!

Wow, he's really cool it seems like! Yeah, I have a sister, eight years old. She's one of the few people I still love.

Honestly! My best time was as a kid just playing Pokemon Silver and watching Saturday morning cartoons, even if there was a lot of drama I truly believe our prime days have passed us, unfortunately

Ah, that does sound really cool, the cute little recluse singing his heartbreaking songs about death and shit. Really jealous you got to go

Ah, I'm not from LA unfortunately, I'm actually in Orange County, but close enough!

No, definitely not. I promise you she would choose him over me any day! Really. It doesn't matter what I do or how great I am to her, she loves her boyfriend and that's all there really is to it! But I agree on the something between us, though it's not romantic. It's like we have a certain bond between us that's fighting to get us together, but it'll only happen if we're both in the right mindset and she finally sees me as someone she can be with, rather than someone she can rely on and confide everything to. But I'm okay with how we are now. Of course I want more, and that's kind of selfish on my part, but I love her and as long as I get to talk to her, I'm okay. But yes, I won't back out. It will probably be awhile until I tell her, but I will. But I keep thinking of her boyfriend. He's actually a nice guy and if she ever broke up with him, he'd be devastated. If she got with me after, he'd be absolutely crushed. And I don't wish that on him, I don't even know why I'm thinking of his feelings! He's supposed to be my enemy!

She does! Did you see her and Matt Smith on Craig Ferguson? Proper cuties <3

Eh, basically just my autobiography, but I make it exciting, and there's psychological shit in there as well. I don't really like to talk about it because it feels weird to me, but that's really it.

Oh your brother's going to be in the military? (I'm assuming because I'm not too familiar with the Citadel) but if so then damn! Your brother's really cool. But I know, it's crazy expensive, but I'm willing to drown as well! But if my screenplays take off and your acting takes off we'll have paid them off in a second

Yes, they are supposed to be! And I really hope they are since my high school days really really suck and they were allegedly "the best days of your life" as well...

Because I offer support and care for her, which not many people do because people are really selfish, and we relate on a lot of things and enjoy each other's company and I don't know... Oh no, he just thinks that she'll leave him for anyone at anytime because he's just super paranoid. She never talks about me to him, he would flip a bitch! She got a Twitter account and we would talk to each other everyday through it and he saw it all and got jealous and asked her to delete it, and because she loves him I guess she did... That was like 6 months ago though but that's just an example of how he is. But I really hate to think optimistically! Whenever I do I always get shot down, always. If I think cynically, like only imagine the worst possible outcome and expect that to happen. But she's really great, and I don't think she sees me as boyfriend material or anything at all, so when I finally tell her I love her she'll start to see me in that way and perhaps consider it, but I hate to gamble on things. But I always play things safe, so you know what Dani? I will tell her. Not soon, but when the time is right, I'll tell her. Nothing holding me back now! What happens, happens. This is scary

Seriously though, they've had Americans on Doctor Who before! You better get on and hang out with Matt Smith and Karen Gillan or whoever will be the Doctor/companion in the future! Dude, I have! I mean, I've been catching up. Just finished up season 5 and whoa, the Big Bang episode was insane! And the episodes with the Silence were really great too! Just saw the one with the girl who was the TARDIS and now I can't wait for more!

Well, I've lately been writing scripts. My friend's an editor/director and I'm the writer, so I'll write a screenplay, we'll find actors and he'll film and direct it all! I'm really excited, I've been writing the script for about a year now though...

I'm probably going to stay here for two years before transferring anywhere too far. How about you?

I know! But Oxford is so hard to get in to! But studying abroad is the life, man. Where does he go? That's like NYU tuition! Ugh I hate colleges Loans are going to kill me.