sometimes i see ballrooms. i see stars and sandy beaches and forests and rain with soft, grey clouds and beautiful people everywhere. i float around in 3/4 like a little speck of dust bouncing through a drafty room. sometimes i see nothing but red. i find people repulsive. i want to shatter glass, and break buildings. i want to run a thousand miles until my heart pops, i want to break bones and tear tendons. sometimes i don't feel anything at all. i'm just in bed, waiting to fall asleep. listening to a fan blow air. sitting in a classroom. walking. this is how i am most of the time. externally, there is no distinction from these states. i might be able to describe what i am feeling, but there is no real way to truly emote the things i feel on the inside because i never learned how. i can smile, but it is a poor imitation to the things i feel in my head. i do not cry. i try not to tell people my problems. i take care of my friends like i would take care of a garden. you will never get a message from me in the middle of the night. sex is biological. i want to do well in life because i want my children to do well. i want to be a good father so my children will know right from wrong. i detest the people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. those people who think so much that their lives or emotions are more important than anything else in the world are so fucking desperate. not only is it desperate, it is ignorant and unfulfilling, to go about chasing perfection like they do. what's worse is when they take advantage of people like myself, who think they might be able to inject some rationalism into the situation. not a chance. the best way to describe people like me is inert. we don't interact with other quite so much. we stay on a certain course until a force acts on us and changes our trajectory. the worst part about all of that is that once we are stopped, there's no moving forward. we just have to wait until someone else puts us back in motion. so whatever you do, if you know someone like me, don't mess around with us.
it's just always been cathartic to be able to figure things out. it really helps pass the time, and i guess the whole reasoning behind the scientific method is figuring out how things work, hypothetical situations and all that jazz. hahahahah is it bad that we can't even demand literacy from people anymore? like i understand there's extenuating circumstances but come on...
that's excellent. it's really genuinely pleasant to meet people more literate on paper than in person. if you have links to your fiction i wouldn't mind reading, as long as youre comfortable with it. it's tough to say when i started, honestly i feel like a douche because i know there is like a formula and method when it comes to writing poetry, but then i just start blurting things out off the top of my head haha. i would like to get into the form of writing actual poetry, like meter and all that jazz, but it's just so nice to go on a rant, even if i stop making sense halfway through and im just rambling it's weird because it really is sort of stream of consciousness you know, i want to convey my actual thought process more than anything else, including the emotions i feel while im writing what i write.
wow. that's just ridiculous. i honestly just don't know how to deal with knowing that sort of thing goes on. i wonder how she's doing now, would you know? i mean i don't mean to pry but like sometimes there just has to be a light at the end. even the best case scenario she probably has to work her ass off seven days a week, maybe it's not so bad though. if youre working towards something that matters then it might not be so awful.
hahahha but you know at least muse has amazing talent. like all three of these guys have invested an incredible amount of time and money honing their craft and it payed off for them. hopefully they live modestly enough but you get the point
hahahahha fandoms are so ridiculous. THEY MAKE NO SENSE, fucking tumblr.
yeah that's why they say the whole cyber bullying thing is such a big deal: since people can be anonymous on the internet they will say things that they probably wouldn't normally you know. that's the weird part about the internet. there's so many people but they're never really looking where you want them to
no i understand, don't worry i'm not upset. it's just difficult for me to wrap my head around the things i hear about everyday, i don't understand how my generation is going to deal with this.
hahahahha well i wouldn't mind being a tool for society as long as its something productive. i feel like being a teacher would be really rewarding. i want people to understand that they can be self sufficient you know. like i never even realized there was a life outside school for the longest time, you know like what is life beyond school? (so naive holy shit.) i want to at least help SOMEBODY understand that they can find a purpose beyond doing "what they're supposed to be doing." and im not saying like oh fuck the system, im saying maybe we can make it a little better for everyone. i hate being so idealistic, but you get the point.
holy god. haha that's a lot of areas to live, seems kinda bittersweet. seattle is amazing, went there with a few friends a couple years ago. that's just so cool to travel all around like that though, especially as a kid. being in a lot of places and seeing all different kinds of people is so foreign haha. literally, i guess.
honestly, (at least for me), it's not even just communicating online. like there's a ton of people i love spending time with and talking to and plenty of women i should be asking out on dates and all that jazz, but maintaining relationships like that (and not just romantic ones, like any type of relationship) requires a lot of time and energy. so it's not just like online, if anything i feel like i'm way more honest about anything online because there's not that face to face you know. i feel like there's less biology in the way with text communication, it feels much less restricted when it comes to sharing ideas and learning things that can actually change who you are or what you think. in person i always feel like i need to put on a show as to how i should respond to a person, whereas online things are much more direct.
hahahah that's too bad your peers aren't very computer literate, it seems like everyone i know is these days. WRITING IS AN ART, I APPRECIATE YOUR GRAMMAR.
hahahahaha i also appreciate the concern, but for reals though you don't need to worry about me at all. the allusion to suicide was in pretty poor taste now that i think about it, especially because i'm not suicidal at all, haha like i promise my life is fantastic. the reason why i wrote that is because like i dont understand what i did to deserve such a great life, when there's millions of people who are infinitely more driven and resourceful but still have to live in squalor, and it just makes me really angry. like there's so many people who can fuck up so much and not have to worry about shit (think the kardashians, your typical bureaucratic politician, any talentless scum that essentially steals money for a living; you know, like a social parasite), then meanwhile EVERY FUCKING DAY i see people working like fifty fucking jobs living in shitty apartments, with no money to spare. and like you know it could have been anybody, im seriously so fucking happy that it's not the case for me you know. it's really actually motivating to think i've been given all these opportunities to become something great, it'd be absolutely unforgivable to waste any of it because there's people in this world who would kill for what i have, in fact there's people who HAVE killed for what i have.
so, i'm a math major, to answer your other question i figured it was an extremely marketable skill to have, and it's really interesting to think that studying math is sort of defining the way the universe works on the most fundamental level, it's one of the few subjects that actually seems to have intrinsic value to me. not to mention that our society SEVERELY needs people to be mathematically/scientifically literate, you know so even if im too stupid to do everything even if i get halfway there that's an accomplishment in of itself, like the things i learn are more important than earning the degree, IMAGINE THAT...
hahaha online activism changing the world one hashtag at a time huh?
i realized how lucky i was a short while ago, but it's only a ten or fifteen minute drive to see how bad things could really be. i never realized how close i was to all the terrible things i read about in books during school (it's ridiculous and i'm sheltered, please don't remind me). when i was a teenager, i used to wonder about all the people living around me in the city. i would lay in bed and think about how many people were out with their friends, or maybe on their way home from a late night at work, or already in bed or watching tv with their families. i would look at people driving in their cars and wonder where they were going, or who that pretty girl was in the passenger seat, maybe if they were married or dating. now i think about how many people are strung out, the amount of people stuck in run down apartment complexes while the sides of the roads accumulate with garbage while people like myself complain about what a tragedy it is. the worst part is i can't even separate myself from it geographically anymore; maybe when i was a kid i could say 'out of sight, out of mind,' but over the past couple years i would drive down the same road every day to school and i saw the same thing every single time, nothing ever changed. maybe the apartments would be painted a different color, but the people never walked any different, and this wasn't even the worst area of the city. this was still within walking distance to the university, and that's the most ridiculous part. that so many people could be so fucking close and so far at the same time. when i bring this up to others, sometimes they agree, and that's that. sometimes they say, oh those people have their opportunity, this is america, where people choose what kind of life they want to live. so if they get stuck in a bad area, that's their fault. it's just crazy to think that my life could be so vastly different if i grew up in a neighborhood four miles away from my own. how could i possibly bring another person into the world when i know all this is happening? i think, maybe i could be a great father. maybe my kid would be smart enough to do something about all this or fix something, but that's wishful thinking, and the irony of that is raising a kid smart enough to handle life appropriately requires exposing him to the worst parts of life, or at least giving him the ability to recognize it. the honest truth is that at this point i'm completely incapable of doing anything that goes against the grain. i have to contribute to this society that just keeps on getting worse and worse because that's how you get a paycheck, and i don't want to disappoint my parents, they've given so much in the same hopes i would have for my children. another option is suicide, but that's just fucking pathetic. from a purely logical point of view, yeah of course it makes sense, but aside from doing that to everyone who cares about me it would just be so dramatic and ungrateful, and just because i'm dead doesn't mean the problem goes away. things are getting bad. i can't complain because i'm a 20 year old white male living with my parents in the suburbs and attending school, but please don't call me naive, or an idealist for recognizing problems when i see them. this isn't something i can just forget about, not if i want my children to live a better life than i did. the way things are going, it may be our fault: pollution, economic collapse, the deterioration of society as we know it, any issue you can think of: but it's our children's problem. we're probably not going to be around when the shit hits the fan. having kids isn't necessarily something to celebrate anymore. i understand there have always been times or places where kids may have presented a burden on families, but now i realize that we could be creating a world so terrible that life would truly not be worth living. i don't mean that in a way like you hear so often with kids my age, like 'oh my girlfriend broke up with me' or any of that dramatic stuff: i mean it like there could literally be nothing left to advance our society with. what is the point of living somewhere where you cannot change anything. other than cultivating relationships that may or may not have actual intrinsic value, what is the point of living in a place where nothing you do or say matters, and anything worth doing is out of reach? at least in our society today we can have fun, there is still culture and people have enough to be nice to each other. but we all know that when people have nothing, they'll eat each other, literally. and don't call me dramatic, because it's happened before. maybe not on a wide scale here in america, but you can bet anything that desperation will lead to atrocities that cannot be excused, but at the same time they cannot be avoided. and if ive learned anything from writing this, it's that geographic distance is only a distance. the only thing that distinguishes me from anybody else is the circumstances and factors that went into my upbringing and the decisions i make as a result of those circumstances. ask yourself, what circumstances are we creating, then put your fucking flag down and help me figure this out it's not necessarily a story, but i can't sleep bruh
hahahahha half the people on my facebook live within five miles of myself yet ive only know them from school or theyre just friends of friends of friends i meet out and about in the world. another significant portion are people i see about bi-annually, and then the remaining .1 percent are people i actually care about.
yeah i hear you, it does sound sort of jaded to say that rape is not the biggest crime we have but i guess that's the world we live in these days. its just upsetting to see people actually notice a problem in society but still in the back of my head i know nothings going to change.
haha i havnt met very many from the internet really. unless you count people from facebook, but that doesn't count. as far as i can tell i could only expect someone to be as good as i am, and im kind of flakey in general, so i dont hold it against people if they leave me alone. haha normals just a word, don't worry about trying to figure that out itll just keep you up at night.
nice to meet you julie, your name makes more sense now. i'm nick. usually i tell people where im from: if you've ever heard of fresno, california, that's where i live and it blows mad dix. im actually in a suburban town like directly adjacent to fresno called clovis, but the only reason clovis is any better is because the schools are nicer and there's (much) less meth use and generally deterioration of the public space.
i take it you live in america?
i can feel, my scales peeling, the sun is reaching. radiant light and energy, i'm breathing. my rock, my refuge, hot and rough, call me cold blooded. where i live, the heat is enough to keep me warm like the others. the women don't know any better until we slither under covers. my friends and i glide across the ground, we look up at everything. it smells like laughter. id like to hear something bad, primal, scream and shout. mouths agape, tongues flick about. lets see how much a snake can drink before he passes out.
he didnt really know when english stopped being a reliable method of communication. he passed through, lights on his left and right warping and stretching, being both in front of him and behind him. these lights kept him occupied drifting through empty space. it was lonely work. hed been drifting for so long, he lost count of the time but never let the lights out of his view. some would stretch on, some would snap and end and that would be that except it never was. if you could never reach your destination, you could say you never went anywhere at all. so he thought, as far as he could tell. the only people that could find him at this point had no hope of doing so. he thought about the last time he talked to anyone. theres a difference between talking to someone and relaying information. theres a point where noise becomes music, and smears of color become a painting and people more than animals but he found nothing of the sort. the only truth he could find was in patterns of numbers and shapes, language no longer meant anything anymore. memories of the things he heard could seldom be held accountable for truth; connotation trampled the inherent meaning of the word until there really wasnt any meaning at all. this discovery was the catalyst for his departure, and after that he really didnt need any additional push. he was gone, inertia had done its job. points of light passed by, growing violet as they approached and blossoming red as they passed. treading water isnt swimming, and he was tired.
hahahaha its worth it if you can get through all the cryptic nonsense trust me.
i should get her some flowers, hahaha shes worked really hard lately for my sisters wedding.
the monotony must be awful, how could a bunch of librarians be boring tho? /sarcasm
speaking of facebook and social media in general, how do you feel about the whole #yesallwomen trend going around? ive just been really conflicted, its actually been on my mind a lot and everyone i talk to is either indifferent or completely, unrealistically idealistic. i dont think rape is okay (obviously), and ive never thought of women as inferior or things to be used as objects (the men in my family are actually much more inferior than the women, believe me). but i get so angry when people 'tweet' about the objectification of women, because these facts are here in my face, it makes me feel like i have to apologize because im a guy. like what are we supposed to DO about it, ive known my whole life that rape is wrong and that the only distinction between men and women is genetic. i am emotionally incapable of raping somebody, but here i am being blamed for it, along with every male friend i have.
idk. i just think its idealistic to believe that we can 'get rid of rape,' or 'solve poverty' or world hunger, or any one of these social issues that have been present since the dawn of civilization, and my blood pressure has been going through the roof every time i get on the internet. #yesallwomen reminds me of kony 2012, and i remember what an absolute waste of time and what an embarrassment it was to everyone i saw that participated. BECAUSE NOTHING CHANGED.
because nobody would have ever known otherwise. at my sisters wedding, in my head, i felt tears welling up in my eyes. i felt joy radiating outward from my cheeks, although they did not grow tired from smiling. i marvelled at the beauty of these two souls intertwining, and the life they would enjoy together, making love and sharing a home with children of their own; content and absolutely, extraordinarily normal. i also felt the eyes of my entire world upon me as i stood with my fellow groomsmen, all polished up and looking as if we couldnt have done anything wrong in our lives, but as we all know, appearances can be deceiving. the night was actually a blur, and it was a truly beautiful night, and the venue was like something from a fairy tale; no less than what my sister deserved. with the endless drinks being served and all the family and company anyone could ask for, think of a drunk calculator. i remember talking to any girl it was socially appropriate to show any additional interest in. i could have gotten away with murder the way they smiled at me. i remember carrying my sisters friend up the stairs to the other bridesmaids after she was too drunk to walk, as she kissed my face all over, on my cheeks and lips, and i will laugh about it for years to come. the whole time, i was taking notes on what to do, and how to act, being kind and gentlemanly, never overstepping my bounds, however much the alcohol persuaded me to act out. many of these people i wont ever see again. even less of these people i will only see annually, why should i care what they think of me. but there it is, let nobody ever say that i was strange. the only reason i would have stood out to anybody was that i was a good brother, or told a funny joke, or said the right thing at the right time. there was never a moment where i felt exposed, and really i dont have anything physical to hide. underneath my suit, theres no physical malady i should be ashamed of, theres no crime or mental illness other than slight substance abuse i should be accused of. its strange to think that i had been living in my head so long that it would become this effortless. theres times where i need to think of the correct thing to say, so as not to seem weird, but again, nobody would ever think otherwise. hes just some kid at his sisters wedding. i also remember the times i used to spend during the summer hanging out with my older brother and his friends. being the butt of everybodys jokes, being perpetually "it" in marco polo, closing his eyes and being urinated upon by his brothers friends, being yelled at for any social deviance to the point of tears, until he learned to stop crying at age ten. being made fun of at school for an eating disorder he developed at age 3, conditioned food aversion to the point where all he ate was wheat products and milk. playing football because that's what his older brother and father did, although he was terrible at it. only maintaining a passing interest in women because his father never cared for his mother at all. losing his virginity at age 19 in a cabin at shaver lake in the wee hours of the night, with all his friends drinking in excess just beyond the door. this is what awkward is. take it from someone who consciously learned how to act normal, after being ridiculed throughout his youth. after seeking acceptance from his brother and his friends, his peers at school, walking home alone, wasting away at home alone for his only real friends lived too far to reach, and seeking no assistance from his parents lest they think he was a social outcast, because there was no shame greater than admitting to your parents who love you so much that they might have failed. dont feel like im complaining tho, it was never all that bad. and dont ever feel bad for me, because now, i am the one who gets to laugh. my mind encompasses theirs, it contains their social ideology as well as my own. ive spent my entire life learning how to do the right thing, say the right phrase or one liner, and now i dont ever have to be afraid of anyone. i can manipulate any situation to seem socially acceptable if i choose to do so. but now, nobody would ever think otherwise. im looking forward to the day where i truly have nothing to hide. im looking forward to the day where the person i show everyone is truly the person they see, and there is no gap between the two.
hahahaha thank you it means a lot. im still kind of a fuckup, but i had a really excellent education growing up, and im really inspired by musicians (like matt bellamy ) who have really dedicated their lives to something, as well as people in my family who are really successful because theyve worked so hard. if youve ever heard of fresno (im from a suburban area east of fresno called clovis), its the most socio-economically divided city in america, it just lends A LOT of insight and comparison among people and lifestyles. plus im an idealistic college student in my early 20's so you know im just ooooh so enlightened about life (sarcasm).
so i dont really deserve any credit, thank my mom. but ill take the credit anyways, so thanks.
a life without work is a life wasted. take it from someone who has wasted a lot. someone who is ashamed of every wasted moment. before i became the way i am, i had too much time and nothing to do. my life was mundane and useless. full of promise, but it was an empty promise. now, i have no time at all, and everything to do. every move is calculated, and i see that i still have this useless social identity to maintain, i dont even know why i do it anymore. in my mind (when it is sober and rational), phalluses are vestigial structures. the only reason i go out or date is to maintain appearances. when i feel happiness, or sadness, or anything for that matter, i know its chemicals and pheromones, and it makes me laugh, everyday. in front of the mirror, at work, driving, hanging out with friends, its all so superficial. but in my precious work: surely this is the one thing in the world that has actual value! if i could just work hard enough, learn enough, watch enough videos, maybe then i would be good enough to rise above everything i do in life. maybe then i wouldnt have to go through the motions, maybe then i could positively affect the people around me. my existence would be validated. bodily desires like hunger or sexual desire become embarrassing. they turn into blemishes on your work, the idea youve committed your identity to. you dont even feel emotions the way you did before. why would you feel anything when you have so much to do and learn? the minute you grow lax in your dedication, you become a statistic. just another animal walking around on a big rock. a life without work is a life wasted. take pride in what you love doing, stop at nothing to hone your talents and use them to create a better world for everyone. be part of something bigger than yourself.
thanks so much:) my brother is a strange man. to the untrained eye, his mannerisms may go undetected, but for those who know, his malady is exceedingly apparent. his jaw clenches when he talks. sometimes i dont think he sees any color in the world at all. he could have been perfectly fine if it had not been the world we grew up in, but this sounds ungrateful. my brother, my sister and i have all been exceedingly lucky in life; fortunate doesnt even begin to describe it. but how much can you expect from a person before they give up? during high school, i dont think my brother really had many friends. this isnt what you think it would be, im sure people liked him and his deteriorating personality, but i dont think he truly enjoyed any of their company. he was a football player, and a very good one at that. for four years of his life, he woke up at 5am five days a week. he would go work out with the football team for two hours, then go to school for six hours. after that, they would practice in the blistering heat for anywhere between 4 to 6 hours. the amount of pressure he was under, i could never guess. truth is, i didnt really know much about my brother at that time in his life. he was sort of a ghost at home, but prone to fits of rage; and i couldnt blame him. he took muscle relaxants for his neck, which he personally said made him completely apathetic to damn near everything. its really no wonder he has a problem with substance abuse. his receptors must be so damn fried, it honestly makes me sad to think of what he has to do just to enjoy himself for a couple hours. its not all bad, he has a girlfriend whos very good to him, and hes good to her. theyve been dating for just over a year now, and i hope they can last. i hope he loves her. and not the sorta love you get when everythings going great; the kinda love that you get when you know they may be one of the few people out there who can see past your bullshit and still tolerate your company. if he doesnt love her, im not sure he can love anything, and im not ready for that. i cant accept that my brother is so far gone that the world has no value for him. because if thats the truth, then who's to say he's wrong? were only a year and a half apart; the only reason i havent made the same mistakes he did is because he made them first. were practically twins. if ive learned one thing from him, it would be to live with care and grace. this isnt something he told me, its something his lack thereof demonstrated. i have to believe that there is intrinsic value in the world we live in, because if there isnt, i might as well be dead. i have to believe that my time here has meaning, because my brother doesnt.